Finally! Jeez. Feels like it took 15 minutes to log in. Went out tonight. I am so toasted right now.Wooooo! Can I just say the Tom Ball Band rocks? I mean seriously. I love them. I love that I know them. I am friends with them and tons of other people in this town right now. I can not believe how much I am loving it here right now. It's like eveywhere yoou go there is someone you know. Right now, that feels great. I miss my sista Shelli like you would not believe. {{Shelli I can not believe my life is such a pile of shit right now}} This town is fucked up. You hate it, but you love it at the same time. Derek smoked 2 bowls with me while Katie was half asleep on the futon. The are some of the cool kids on Allen St. Somehow I became one of them. Kate and Katie and Derek. There's a few others. There is karen who is an honorary cool kid, because she was going to live on Allen St. {{ Did I say I was fucking toasted? Oh my God I am so toasted, while we are on the subject of God I fucking hate him!}} We all take care of each other around here. At the bar, before you go, you see if anyone needs a ride home becasue they are wasted. Tonight I gave Derek a ride home and in return he smoked 2 bowls with me. It's ok to go into his house with him at 2 am with his girl asleep on the couch to smoke pot. That's how it is around here. I wouldn't care if they came into my house at that time to smoke. It's a freakin' strange place this town. I keep thinking there must be a silver lining in this cloud somewhere. But I can not seem to find it. Other than, the fact that I am ok. I am fucking ok, is that possible? I let go tonight. I let go of him. I love him so much that I let go. I don't know what is going on in his head, but what ever it is he can not control it. I only want him to stop hurting. What ever is making him happy right now fine.I give up. I quit. I can not do it anymore. I let go. Oh my god, I let go. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Seriously, I don't have the balls to kill myself, but if I died I wouldn't care. I just want this life to end, so I can move on and meet him in the next one. I have held him, and kissed him, and smelled him, I am content to move on now. I need to go to bed. I can not think about him anymore. Mark, I love you. I don't know what else to say. I miss you, I love you. I am happy that I got to spend 12 years with you. Some people never experience that kind of love. At least I got to experience it. G'night.