Hi, how are you all? Me? I am ok. It has been a very long time. I have been hiding, mostly from myself and life. I’ve thought about writing tons of times. Then changed my mind. I know you must all be wondering what’s going on with me, right? We are separated. We have been, for over 2 months now. We separated a few days after my last post. Some days I think I am ok, some days I feel like my heart and soul have been ripped out of my body. Some days I hate him and curse his existence. Some days I cry my eyes out longing for the man I fell in love with 12 years ago. It sucks real bad.
My head spins when I try to figure out what happened, feels like a nightmare. I can not believe the things that have happened between us. Sometimes I can not believe I am still in this town. Some days I can’t imagine leaving it. I am fucked up. No, really I am. I want so badly to have a companion, to share that closeness with someone, to feel cared about in that way, but at the same time, that is the last thing I want. See? Fucked up.
I am so very mad at him for destroying my family, for destroying my hopes and dreams for the future. I am mad at him for coercing me to do some things I regret. I am mad at him for betraying me and throwing the 3 of us away, like we are nothing. I am mad at him for leaving me with all the bills and the responsibilities. On the other hand I miss the hell out of him. Then I hate myself for missing him. I feel used. His drug addiction started us on this down hill spiral, I stood by his ass, helped him get clean, moved to Maine and this is the thanks I get? I feel like I never want to love anyone again. I feel like no one will ever love ME again. Sometimes I don’t even care.
I’ve been going down to Sarge’s a lot. I love the band on Friday and Saturday nights. The music and the alcohol make me forget my troubles. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s all I have right now.