Nothing Lasts Forever, Even Cold November Rain

I am having a bad night. I have had a bad day. Why? I dunno. I am hating the world today. Hating life, cursing the existance of love. I am broken today, broken everday, really, but some days I can ignore it. Not today.

What's eating at me today? Wish I could pin point it. No break up milestones. No birthdays, anniversaries, it's not valentines day. We didn't have a fight, we didn't have a tearful conversation, no ex-sex.

I went out all weekend long and had a great time, met lots of nice people. Had a second date with someone I met a couple of weeks ago on Friday night. Baled out on a third date with him on Saturday. I told myself I was mad at him, but looking back, I think I was afraid of being rejected, so I rejected him first. Now I feel all fucked up, like I should call him and explain. I knew he would be going back home today and last night would be my last chance to see him for a while, he lives in New Hampshire.

I am noticing a pattern in myself when I meet someone. I start by having fun and not caring if I see him again. Just basically enjoying the experience of meeting, talking with, dancing with, having a drink with someone I don't know. Then I convince myself I don't want to see him again. Sometimes, I unconvince myself too and end up seeing him again. If I enjoy it and have fun I may allow myself to wonder if I could actually, sometime in the distant future, way, way down the road start to like him. Now this is the part where I freak out. If I think he might sometime in the distant future, way, way down the road start to like me? I run. I reject him. The reason is really irrelevant. I can find one. Let's see, he has big ear lobes, I can not see myself with a man with big ear lobes. I don't like his eyelashes, they seem too feminine to me. He doesn't have a car or I don't like his car. He has been a bachelor for too long. He didn't call me (once) when he said he was going to. He lives with his brother, I hate his laugh....the list goes on and on my friends. I'll tell you, I can really find a reason not to like someone, I can pull 'em out of thin air like no tomorrow. And all this, so I don't end up getting hurt. Because I am afraid to trust another human being, afraid to put faith in anyone or rely on them for even the smallest shred of hapiness. Yet, I long for companionship. I am fucked.

I am this way because of the past 3 (?) years of my life. Someone elses actions and my reactions to them has forever scarred and changed me. Realizing this sucks. I have always felt I was in control of myself and my destiny in life, yet here I am realizing that I have been carved and shaped into what I am today by someone else. Pure suckage right here, that's what this is.

I am seriously starting to think I need Dr. Phil.

Sissy