I AM IN LOVE.........

.......with a Chevy Tahoe! I drove my boss' Chevy Tahoe down to Portland today. A total of 6 hours, there and back. It is da shit! First of all it is huge and it is my favorite color (black).....it has a back massage in the drivers seat, a built in DVD player (which the kids loved), XM Satelite radio and this bitch has balls baby, quite like myself! I did, for a split second, ponder driving straight on thru Portland to Massachusetts. But my boss may have gotten a tad pissed at that, just a tad!

I drove down to Portland to bring my second best friend to the greyhound station, so she can take a bus and a plane and a taxi back to her home in Bulgaria. She came here 3 months ago to work for the summer, to earn tuition to attend her University in Bulgaria. I love this girl. She has been so supportive of everything I have gone thru this summer. We seperated just days before she got here. She knows the details, because we have sat up and drank and talked for hours. She loves my children, they love her. She is a wonderful, wonderful person. I am amazed at how someone who was a stranger to me three months ago could show some much love and genuine caring to me and my children. I am going to miss her so damn much. We have seen each other almost every day since she arrived. She calls me on the phone and sings......"I just called to say I love you" in her Bulgarian accent! She ate her first taco ever with me! We cried, all of us, Cassidy and Kyle included, when the annoucement came over the loud speaker that her bus was boarding. She made me promise I will visit her in Bulgaria, and I really would like to. I wish I was rich, if I was, I would pay the tuition for her remaining years at the University, that way she could just come and spend every summer with me! I love you Petia, I will never ever forget you and one day I WILL come to Bulgaria to visit you, and your family. I want to tell your mother what a beautiful, caring, smart woman she has raised!

Getting to know me, again. . . . .

I slow danced with a man on Saturday night. It felt so good to be held, to smell that "clean man" cologne smell, to feel his hand on my lower back guiding me as we danced. He held my hand in his, he said he was brought up old school and that is how you dance with a lady. (So sweet!) I have been asked to dance before at the local watering hole, I have always politely said "no thanks". I guess I just didn't feel like being that close to anyone. I feel comfortable with this guy. I have known OF him since I moved here, he is always friendly in the store, a townie that knows everyone. We have recently talked a number of times on a personal level and I like him. After we danced, we went out to his truck and talked for 2 hours or so. (I bet you thought I was going to say something else didn't you? Shame, shame on you!) I like talking to him. (Did I say that already? I probably did.) He gave me a ride to my car, which was about 7 parking spaces from his, then we stood outside and talked for a few more minutes. I started to feel a bit awkward, I didn't know how to end the evening, I didn't want him to think I was WAITING for him to kiss me, I didn't even know if I wanted to be kissed. So I gave him a big hug, said thanks for the fun evening, hopped in my car and drove away. When I got home I sort of felt bad, like I left him standing there. (I am such a nerd!) To rectify the situation in my mind I text messaged him to tell him I enjoyed talking with him. We went back and forth a few times, then I fell into the most peaceful sleep I have had in a very long time! It's nice to connect with someone on an intellectual level.

(Shelli, this does not in any way, shape, or form mean I am not coming home, because damn it, I am)

Hi, how are you all? Me? I am ok. It has been a very long time. I have been hiding, mostly from myself and life. I’ve thought about writing tons of times. Then changed my mind. I know you must all be wondering what’s going on with me, right? We are separated. We have been, for over 2 months now. We separated a few days after my last post. Some days I think I am ok, some days I feel like my heart and soul have been ripped out of my body. Some days I hate him and curse his existence. Some days I cry my eyes out longing for the man I fell in love with 12 years ago. It sucks real bad.
My head spins when I try to figure out what happened, feels like a nightmare. I can not believe the things that have happened between us. Sometimes I can not believe I am still in this town. Some days I can’t imagine leaving it. I am fucked up. No, really I am. I want so badly to have a companion, to share that closeness with someone, to feel cared about in that way, but at the same time, that is the last thing I want. See? Fucked up.
I am so very mad at him for destroying my family, for destroying my hopes and dreams for the future. I am mad at him for coercing me to do some things I regret. I am mad at him for betraying me and throwing the 3 of us away, like we are nothing. I am mad at him for leaving me with all the bills and the responsibilities. On the other hand I miss the hell out of him. Then I hate myself for missing him. I feel used. His drug addiction started us on this down hill spiral, I stood by his ass, helped him get clean, moved to Maine and this is the thanks I get? I feel like I never want to love anyone again. I feel like no one will ever love ME again. Sometimes I don’t even care.
I’ve been going down to Sarge’s a lot. I love the band on Friday and Saturday nights. The music and the alcohol make me forget my troubles. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s all I have right now.