I Think, Therefore I Suffer..............

When I think about this relationship, all I can do is shake my head. I don't understand what happened. I know how Rip Van Winkle must have felt, I have woken up and my life is completely changed, I don't know how it got this way. I try to follow the path back in time to see where it started. For some reason I feel I need to know where and when we took a wrong turn. If I can pin-point the exact moment in time and place, then I can make sure I never return there again in the future, with anyone else. I guess we came to a fork in the road. One sign said "Happiness" the other "Hell", someone switched the signs or I read them wrong. I thought we were headed toward happiness. Guess not. So here I sit trying to figure it all out. I think about it constantly. I try to keep my body busy because my mind won't stop. My house has never been cleaner and I have never excersized more. Thank god for the kids. They keep me busy. Their questions drive me crazy. When they are sad I want to throw myself off of a cliff for allowing this to hurt them. They don't deserve this, they are beautiful little souls. Life is so unfair. I know, no one ever said life was fair, but geez, somewhat fair would be nice. Now I have a decision to make and I have to make it for my children, more than for myself. We are settled here, I have an apartment and a job. After a year the children have finally made some friends and have started to take root. Of course my family and friends want me to move home. I am alone here. No friends or family to count on for support. Don't get me wrong, I have made friends, aquaintences, but no one I would feel comfortable calling and saying, "Cassie is sick, can you pick her up from school and watch her until I get out of work?". Alyssa is going home for the summer and I will miss her so much. She is my best friend. I know I will have seperation anxiety when she goes. So many things to think about and so little brain power to work with. So, I put all the decisions aside, I will get to them at some point. The mountain of decisions grows daily. I just can not make any right now. One day, hour, minute at a time. That is all I can handle. The only thing that helps me is that I know someday I will be ok. I keep telling myself these feelings, this emptiness, this loneliness is normal. After all I have been with this man for 13 years. You can not just let go of that with out pain, it is as simple as that. I have to take each and every step of letting go, one at a time. No matter how painful or how lengthy the journey, I have no choice. Recently, I asked where the man was that I fell in love with. I was told he was dead. I knew at that moment that he really was, and that I would never see him again. Hopefully that was the worst, gut wrenching pain I will ever feel.

Wishing on a Star.......................

Star light,
Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may,
I wish I might,
Have the wish, I wish tonight.


{{squeezing eyes shut, crossing fingers}}


I wish the pain would stop.
He sits across the street in the morning on the porch having coffee, with her,
He sits across the street at night partying, with her,
I sit here feeling like I may blow lunch, or breakfast, or dinner,
I look into those little eyes and see confusion, sadness and pain,
It makes me hate him,
And then it STILL hurts.