Nothing Lasts Forever, Even Cold November Rain

I am having a bad night. I have had a bad day. Why? I dunno. I am hating the world today. Hating life, cursing the existance of love. I am broken today, broken everday, really, but some days I can ignore it. Not today.

What's eating at me today? Wish I could pin point it. No break up milestones. No birthdays, anniversaries, it's not valentines day. We didn't have a fight, we didn't have a tearful conversation, no ex-sex.

I went out all weekend long and had a great time, met lots of nice people. Had a second date with someone I met a couple of weeks ago on Friday night. Baled out on a third date with him on Saturday. I told myself I was mad at him, but looking back, I think I was afraid of being rejected, so I rejected him first. Now I feel all fucked up, like I should call him and explain. I knew he would be going back home today and last night would be my last chance to see him for a while, he lives in New Hampshire.

I am noticing a pattern in myself when I meet someone. I start by having fun and not caring if I see him again. Just basically enjoying the experience of meeting, talking with, dancing with, having a drink with someone I don't know. Then I convince myself I don't want to see him again. Sometimes, I unconvince myself too and end up seeing him again. If I enjoy it and have fun I may allow myself to wonder if I could actually, sometime in the distant future, way, way down the road start to like him. Now this is the part where I freak out. If I think he might sometime in the distant future, way, way down the road start to like me? I run. I reject him. The reason is really irrelevant. I can find one. Let's see, he has big ear lobes, I can not see myself with a man with big ear lobes. I don't like his eyelashes, they seem too feminine to me. He doesn't have a car or I don't like his car. He has been a bachelor for too long. He didn't call me (once) when he said he was going to. He lives with his brother, I hate his laugh....the list goes on and on my friends. I'll tell you, I can really find a reason not to like someone, I can pull 'em out of thin air like no tomorrow. And all this, so I don't end up getting hurt. Because I am afraid to trust another human being, afraid to put faith in anyone or rely on them for even the smallest shred of hapiness. Yet, I long for companionship. I am fucked.

I am this way because of the past 3 (?) years of my life. Someone elses actions and my reactions to them has forever scarred and changed me. Realizing this sucks. I have always felt I was in control of myself and my destiny in life, yet here I am realizing that I have been carved and shaped into what I am today by someone else. Pure suckage right here, that's what this is.

I am seriously starting to think I need Dr. Phil.

Sissy

Guess I should proof read?

I am not torn between them and him I am torn between here and them.

Whats wrong with my tubing skilz? You know I got mad tubing skilz....quit lying~lol

Tail feathers have been sufficiently shakin' for one night! Woo-woo

Go Blob Bitch!

That's what Shelli said as we hung up the phone earlier today. So here I am, bloggin' like a biyatch. In my defense I have been having computer issues for a week or so.

Nothing much is going on in Rangeley. Some friends are in town this weekend, shout out to Stu and the Stu crew from the local 920, yeaa baby! Looking forward to riding with them later today. My first snowmobile experience. I almost went for a ride at midnight last night, but yea that got nixed. Too cold and too scared. I know I am a chicken shit, but in my defense (again) I didn't want to cross the lake at night. (I know wussy-ass-whiner!)

Alyssa is all moved back in. She is working like a dog (as am I) and we are planning a trip to South Carolina next month to see her man graduate from boot camp. It should be a good time. I am looking forward to flying and a few freakin' days off from real life.

My mother, father and ex-husband have all been diagnosed with cancer. I am a bit freaked out right now. This is my mothers second go round, my father and ex's 1st. I feel like I should make a doctor's appt to have myself checked out. My mother had to have a blood transfusion 2 days ago because her white counts were so low. It's a shit show, an absolute shit show. I don't know what to do, should I go home? In the words of THE CLASH, should I stay or should I go now? That's been the question for me for quite some time and I just can not figure it out. I feel numb and weary inside about the whole thing.

More news on my crush. He kissed me on the head again a cupla days ago. I know it's sad, my life is sad when a kiss on the head is exciting! But hey what can I say? I like the guy, but I have been out of the dating game for about 18 years. Yes, 18 fucking years! I dunno what to do about it! He lost his dog last week, so I gave him a card and I wrote, "sorry about your puppy, hope you find a new best friend soon" What? Lame? I know, it just seemed right at the time. I could lick his face and roll over on my back so he can scratch my belly. Maybe one of these days one of us will over come our fear and ask the other out. Or maybe, just maybe I will be alone for the rest of my fucking life! I need a mail order companion.

I am stressed out today, I need to go smoke. I have a damn day off and NOTHING to do. It sucks. Guess I will have to go to the pub and shake my tail feathers tonight to get it out of my system. Don't worry I won't drive home.

Take care ya'all and keep the rubber side down,

Sissy

SCORE!

I have waited about 4 weeks for the price of this clock to go down far enough for me to afford it. When I first saw it, it was 70 bux. Too damn much to pay for a clock! Then it went on clearance to 60, I checked on it every week, and today it was marked down to 20 bux!! It's about 30 inches in diameter, and it fills that bare wall perfectly! Sorry I have no life. Buying this clock is the highlight of my week!

So, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. My first V-day alone in 18 years. I have mixed emotions. There is a part of me that is sad and mourns what I have lost. Then the bitch in me kicks in and says, He will be WITH someone else tomorrow and not you. He will give/get cards, flowers, cute-sy little teddy bears that say "I love you" or "you're my main squeeze". I think I would be alot sadder if he was alone. But he has someone. Why should I waste my time mourning him, when he is FUCKING WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I need to get that thru my head but somehow I can not seem to wrap my brain around it. I told him the other day, I feel as if he has died but he's not dead. Like I can't have him but he's still mine. It's strange.

I reminded every guy that came thru the store today to pick up a 'lil sumtin' sumtin' for their woman. No man in this town has any excuse. I considered it a public service. One guy was shopping with his wife in the morning, and I said, don't forget tomorrow is valentine's day and I winked at his wife. He came back alone in the afternoon to buy flowers and a card. Just call me Cupette.

I have several Valentine's to be happy for tomorrow. Sheli and Ally, Cassie and Kyle, Jenny and Sarah. My friends and family. Tommorrow is going to be an awesome day. I have stickers and hershey kisses for the kids, maybe I will give a chocolate kiss or two out to some hot guys, who knows!

I have a crush on a delivery guy right now. I think he may have a crush on me too. I dunno. We always talk when he comes in, ya know exchange banter back and forth, an occasional sexual inuendo (sp?), he always tells me how beautiful/attractive/lovely I am, but always in a joking manner, so that could be innocent. I mean I flirt like that with people and don't have a crush on them, it's all fun.

Here is my problem. I look forward to his Monday thru Friday visits. If I miss him, I am disappointed. Once, I kept missing him for a week, and when I finally saw him, I went running up to him and we hugged. He hugged me back, I know he did, and it wasn't the least bit uncomfortable. Today he kissed my head/hair and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day as he was leaving. Ok, so that wasn't the problem, here is the problem: I don't know what to do about it. I really think he should have asked me for my number or to grab a bite or something by now. So maybe I am just dead wrong. All I know is I think it would be awesome to sit on the couch, and watch a movie, with my head on his chest and his arm around me.

So what do I do? I need advice from my internet support group. PLEASE.

Yea Baby, dat's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

We are expecting a storm tomorrow. 18 to 24 inches is what I have been hearing. I can not wait. I hope it hits and hits hard. Why? I dunno. I like snow. I like storms. I find them exciting and envigorating. I am ready. I shopped today. Tomorrow I will gas up the car, and buy cat litter. For the cat, not for traction. Although, whatever works.

Alyssa is moving back in with me this weekend. My mother and her fiance are driving her up here. That is as long as the snow doesn't close us off. I think it will be ok though. Now I have to try to get Saturday off. I mean I would like to spend some time with my mum.

I am finally feeling better today. I was incapacitated all day yesterday. I don't really know what the problem was. Started with a migraine in the AM and then went to my stomach. I only had one shot Saturday night so I don't think it was alcohol related. Just in case I am NEVER drinking Heighermeister again. Do you hear that Stu? I will never let you talk me into that again. Even though I had a blast, the next day was hell!!

You know what sucks?.......I'll tell you. Finally having Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos and NOT having sour cream to go along with them. Go to the store you say? Well, the store closed 38 minutes ago. Yes, it is only 8:38 right now. Go to another store you say? Can't, there isn't another store for 40 dark, slippery, moose-filled miles.

I have waited about 5 weeks for Clay (he is the guy that hauls the Lay's Chips up the mountain on mooseback, or maybe he is the Wise chip guy) to bring me Blazing Buffalo Ranch Doritos. There has been much groveling, pleading, threatening and even a few promises of sexual favors, but fina-fucking-ly, he brought them in today. And I forgot to get sour cream. Fucker! No problem I told myself, I am driving right by a Super Wally's tonight, Iwill pop in and buy some. Well yea, me and my great memory. They are still good but sour cream gives them just the right combo of spicey and coooool.

Had a great weekend with Shelli, K-dawg, Ally and the kids. There was much merriment. It took Shelli 7 and a half hours to get here on Friday night, meanwhile I was waiting for her at the bar, she missed last call by 3 minutes (according to her watch), but I drank enough for both of us. She drove my tipsy tush home and I walked down to get my car at 7 am the next morning while her ass was snorin' in the spare room. Two customers stopped and aked me if I needed a ride to work, a 3rd just laughed at me as he saw me opening the door to my car in front of the bar. He knew why my car was there, and he has laughed at me every day this week.

Saturday, we went tubing at Black Mountain, it was awesome, had a freakin' blast! Had a few casualties, I got a huge welt on my bicep from Kyle kicking the shit out of me the 1st time down, Shelli nearly bit off her own damn tongue, K-dawg body surfed down the mountain, on her belly, holding onto her tube with both hands. Ally fell off her tube and held onto Cassie's head half way down. Good times.....good times!

The ride there nearly claimed my life, with Shelli crapping her thong in her truck behind me . I almost fish-tailed off that slick cliff up there, only it was snow covered, much like the road, damn Dennis' friend for not plowing better!

Saturday night was da shit. We had sooo much fun down at Sarge's. I even got Shelli to shake her tail feather's a bit.

Sunday we watched HITCH. I want a man like that damn it! I saw Rushman in town. {{Squeal}} I wanted go all "groupie" on his ass, but I decided squealing and jumping up and down in the middle of the IGA was not a good idea. Sunday night of course was the Superbowl which we watched half of at the bar, we left because we couldn't hear the damn commercials, which were not even that good, and Prince????? Or should I say "the artist formerly known as sucky"?? That was the worst half time show ever! It just goes to show you with out the Pats, the superbowl turns into a shit show!

I had a big gaping hole in my heart when they all left on Monday. {{sniffle}}

One of my New Years Resolutions was to blog every day. So much for that, I blogged once so far this year. Once in a month? What a slacker.

I chose this resolution because, a short time ago (almost 2 1/2 yrs now) I used to blog every day and I loved it. I loved writing, I loved the feedback, I loved the people I "met", the connections I made. At that time in my life I was sitting in front of a computer all day at work and it was an easy thing to get done.

So let's forget about the past month and start a new shall we? If you are new around here and want to read my history,check out my old blog, Sissychong, go right ahead.

What's going on with me? Well I am still living 300 miles away from my family, in the Western Mountains of Maine. Why you ask? I dunno. I guess I am still waiting for something good to come out of this move. I refuse to believe fate brought me here for the sole reason of ending my 12 year marraige, and what a bad ending it was. I think (hope?) there is something good here for me. I am poud of myself for sticking it out here. I have worked hard to make a place for myself in this town. I have made many friends her since the seperation. I have grown and become a new person, and you know what? I like me now. I didn't like me when I was his wife. I was so stressed out with him that I missed a lot of things. And now? I am in a whole different place and it's awesome. It's been 8 months and people tell me they can not believe the changes they have seen in me. What a compliment!

This weekend is going to be awesome. My partner in crime, my sista from anutha mutha, the sugar in my coffee, Shelli (and K-dawg too) are coming up to visit. I am so excited, I have not seen them since Thanksgiving. My kids actually squealed when I told them last week. I have the entire weekend off from work, (holy shit it's a freakin' miracle), and we are gonna have some fun, mountain style! We are going snow tubing with the kids, I am sure therewill be much eating, drinking and merriment!

I was thinking the other day, I think I am ready. I am ready for a companion. Nothing serious, just someone I can call and say, "Hey whadaya doin'?, Wanna watch a movie? Grab a Beer? Pull my hair? Ya know that kind of thing. Maybe it is too soon but I feel ready, or maybe I am just lonely? Or maybe it's the thought of my first Valentines Day alone in almost 18 years? I dunno.

Did I tell ya'all I got a promotion? No of course I didn't because I have been a slacker. Yes, I got a promotion to management. It's a lot more work and a lot less fun than my old position, I haven't decided if I like it or not yet but......I am learning to not judge situations right off, to be patient and see what unfolds.

Many....many other things are going on too, I'll have to catch ya'all up real soon, right now I have to get myself to work!